This is a story I wrote for myself, and has since become the first chapter of a novel I'm still working on. Of course, this as written and published in 2000, and I only have four or five chapters done, so don't hold your breath waiting for the book!

The New, Completely True, Fictional Origin of, Uh, Somebody...

Something was definately different with Jack Norman. His super-observant eyes viewed the crushed alarm clock in his super-strong grasp, and relayed the information to his super-quick mind.

"Wait a minute," Jack said aloud to himself. "I didn't have super-anything last night, and now I have super-everything! And when did I start talking to myself?"

Jack jumped out of bed with a resounding thud and ran into the bathroom. His same, regular reflection stared back from the mirror. The same disheveled mop of hair, the same three-day's worth of stubble, the same boxer shorts with hearts on them that his ex-girlfriend had given him, before she had dumped him. But Jack noticed something different about himself. He stood in a very heroic pose, his fists on his hips, his feet even with his shoulders, and his head slightly to the side as he flashed a roguish grin. When did I get a roguish grin, Jack thought to himself. Before this morning, the best he could have shown was a goofy smile. But it didn't matter; this heroic pose seemed to come naturally to him this morning.

"I must be...a Superhero!" Jack called out, his voice echoing in the tiny bathroom. "I must use these powers only for good! I wonder if I can fly."

But try as he might, Jack found he couldn't fly. "Oh well, screw it. I don't need to fly, I've always got my car," Jack said, pissed at not being able to fly.

He hopped around some more, trying to achieve liftoff. But his flying practice was cut short by the ringing of the phone.

"Hello, Jack Norman here, Superhero at your service," he announced into the receiver, trying to sound heroic.

"Yes, Mr. Norman, that's why I'm calling," a nasally voice replied. "I'm calling on behalf of the Bureau of Registration of Super Powered Beings. As you may or may not know, we at the BRSPB keep records of all the super powered beings within the country, and as you may or may not know, it is unlawful for any super powered being, which as of today includes you, to use any super powers without a license issued by the BRSPB.

The local offices of the BRSPB are located at 9979 Main Street. You are expected to get your license today, Mr. Norman."

"Wait a minute, how do you know about my super powers?" Jack yelled at the phone, sounding super-angry.

"We at the BRSPB have ways of gaining information," the voice replied. "Now remember, Mr. Norman, you must get your license today, and it's at 9979 Main Street. And Mr. Norman?"

"Yeah?"

"Put some pants on."

With that, the BRSPB representative hung up. Jack shut the blinds on the window, suddenly fearful that someone was watching him. He quickly pulled on a pair of jeans that smelled kind of clean and a Budweiser Frogs t-shirt that his friend had left at his apartment. He ate a bowl of Lucky Charms at super-speed, and then went out to his car.

"Well, I guess I'm not going to work today," Jack said to himself as he pushed the empty pop can, half-eaten Pop-Tart and copy of Playboy out of the driver's seat. "I'm no longer a mild-mannered grocery-store shift-manager. I am now a superhero!"

A kid walking past him overheard Jack's bold announcement, turned to look at him, and nearly peed his pants laughing.

Jack cruised along the streets, heading towards Main Street. Tower City usually wasn't busy at eleven o'clock in the morning, but some idiot had ran a red light and crashed his Sport Utility Vehicle into a van. Jack was just about to leap out his car and save the day, but then he remembered he still didn't have a Superhero's License, so he inched past the wreck with the rest of the traffic.

He finally reached 9979 Main Street. It was a boring, redbrick building stuck between two equally boring redbrick buildings. There was no sign out front advertising this as the local offices of the Bureau of the Registration of Super Powered Beings; there was only the street address next to the door to confirm that Jack was at the right place.

"Probably no one here," Jack said to himself. "I'll be in and out and patrolling Tower City in no time."

Jack wasn't that lucky. When he entered the building, he saw that it was packed wall-to-wall with super powered beings of all shapes and sizes. There was a man so tall he was forced to bend over to fit in the building. There was a woman in a glass box filled with carbonated water. And directly in front of Jack was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Her fiery red hair perfectly accented her green eyes. Her skin looked creamy and soft. And she had the biggest set of...

"Excuse me, but could you not stare?" she snapped at him. "Hey, Earth to Slob-Man, anyone home?"

Jack finally snapped out of it. "Hey the name's not Slob-Man. It's Jack."

"'Jack?' That doesn't sound like a superhero name to me," a voice said from behind him. Jack turned around, and came face-to-face with a giant anthropomorphic frog.

"Um, and who exactly are you?" Jack asked, once he found his voice.

"The name is Toad-Man. And stop staring at me."

"'Toad-Man?' You're supposed to be a hero?" Jack asked.

"It's a better name than 'Jack,'" the woman in front of him said.

"Well, I haven't had a whole lot of time to come up with a name," Jack replied.

"I'd say Slob-Man fits you pretty well," Toad-man said.

"Well, what are your powers?" the redhead asked.

"Um, just super-everything," Jack replied. "What's your name?"

"Ms. Power," she answered.

"Maybe I could be Mr. Power."

"Don't bet on it."

"I know," Toad-Man said. "How 'bout Captain Supreme?"

"There's already an El Capitan de Supremo in Mexico," Ms. Power answered.

"I could be Power Punch!" Jack exclaimed.

"Sounds like a Kool-Aid flavor," Toad-Man said.

"What do you know?" Jack snapped at him. "You're not even wearing pants!"

"I'm a giant anthropomorphic frog. What the hell do I need pants for?"

"How'd you get like that?"

"Well, I was swimming in the pond near my farm, when I accidentally swallowed a radioactive tadpole."

"Um...okay," Jack said, feeling a little nauseous. He quickly turned to Ms. Power. "So, how did you become, uh, powerful?"

"I was just a regular lingerie model, but one day, before a photo-shoot, this alien gave me a powerful necklace, and I became Ms. Power."

"You're full of crap," Jack scoffed. "There's no such thing as aliens."

"You're willing to accept Toad-Man's story but not mine?" Ms. Power asked. "What the hell's your amazing story?"

"I dunno," Jack replied sheepishly. "I just woke up this morning and had super powers."

Toad-Man laughed so hard he almost choked. "That's it? That has to be the lamest origin story I've ever heard!" he laughed. "That's worse than the Human Decoy's origin story. At least he took a bullet. Of course, it was also his death scene."

"Sorry. Hey, here's an idea for a name: Mr. Amazing!" Jack said, desperate for a name, and to turn the attention from his pathetic origin story.

"I don't know," Ms. Power said doubtfully. "You haven't done anything amazing. Not that I've seen, anyway. But don't worry, you've still got plenty of time to come up with a name. This line doesn't seem to be moving at all."

Two hours passed as the three heroes slowly crept towards the window. They discussed various subjects important to superheroes, such as the advantages and drawbacks of spandex, whether or not to have a sidekick, and who would win in a fight between the Psycho Canadian and the Brigadier. But they still couldn't think of a good name for Jack.

Ms. Power got to the window, and in almost no time the clerk handed her her license. With an ecstatic yell she flew over the crowd.

"See you around, guys!" she called to Toad-Man and Jack.

"Show-off," Jack muttered as he stepped up to the window. On the other side of the glass was a scrawny lady with the largest nose Jack had ever seen.

"Name?" she asked, her voice a female version of the nasally voice he had heard that morning.

"Jack Norman," he replied.

"No, sir, your superhero name, not your secret identity."

Jack mentally struggled to think up a name. He blurted out the first one that came to mind. "Mr. Amazing."

Her eyes glanced at his less-than-amazing physique and wardrobe. "Uh huh, sure. Egotistical, every one of them," she muttered. To Jack, er, Mr. Amazing, she said, "Okay, sir. 'Mr. Amazing' it is." She typed it into the computer. "Secret identity?"

"I just told you, it's Jack Norman," Mr. Amazing said.

"Okay, sir. There's no need to get upset," she said as she typed. "There. 'Jake Norman.'"

"Not 'Jake,' 'Jack!'" Mr. Amazing yelled, getting super-angry again.

"Sir, I didn't put 'Jake Jack.' I put 'Jake Norman.'"

"I know! My name isn't 'Jake,' it's 'Jack!"

"No sir, your name is 'Mr. Amazing.' Your secret identity is 'Jack,'" she said.

"Does your computer say 'Jack' or 'Jake?'"

"It says 'Jake,' but I can change it to 'Jack' if you'd like."

"Yes, I'd like that very much." Mr. Amazing calmed down. It wouldn't look good to throw a fit in front of his peers.

"Okay sir, what super powers have you exhibited?"

"Super-everything," he replied proudly.

"Could you be more specific?"

"Well, I've got super-observant eyes, a super-strong grasp, a super-quick mind, super-speed and super-anger. Oh yeah, and a really heroic pose." He showed her his really heroic pose, complete with the roguish grin.

"Can you fly?"

His smile and pose vanished. "No," he mumbled.

"Looks like you've got the basic hero package, minus flight," she said as she typed. "Okay sir, were you planning on joining a team?"

Mr. Amazing pondered the idea. Being on a team wouldn't be too bad. And he might get the hang of being a hero faster if he had other heroes to show him the ropes. "What teams are available?" he asked.

"Well, the Warheads have a spot available, because the Star-Spangled Ninja died in their last battle against the Living Plague. But they're kind of an elite team. You may want to start out with a somewhat easier team. The only other team with an open position is the Super-Freaks. They're hated by all of humanity, but their merchandise is always a top-seller."

"Uh, maybe I'll just go solo for a while. I'm not sure I'm ready to be hated by all of humanity. Being hated by just the people I know is bad enough."

With a smirk, the clerk typed "No Team Affiliation" into the computer.

"Now did you have a costume in mind, or were you planning on going with the formal-wear you have on now?" she asked.

"You know what?" he snapped at her. "You people didn't exactly give me a whole hell of a lot of time to get used to being a superhero! So I shouldn't have to take your -"

"Sir, it's okay," the clerk interrupted. "If you don't have a costume, you can choose one from the catalogue in front of you."

Mr. Amazing opened the catalogue and flipped through the first few pages. "What are these costumes made of, a few strategically placed pieces of dental floss?" he asked, shocked at the designs. "I don't think I want my chest and butt hanging out like that."

"Sir, those are the women's costumes. The men's costumes are in the back of the catalogue," the clerk said.

Mr. Amazing flipped to the back. "That's better," he said, breathing a sigh of relief. Then he saw it. The coolest costume in the world. It was a dark blue body suit, with black stripes running diagonally down the legs. The costume was completed with a black mask that covered his entire head, and a pair of steel-toed combat boots. And the best part was that he wouldn't have to wear his underwear on the outside of his clothes.

"I'll take it!" he yelled, happy for the first time since he started talking to the clerk.

"Sir, that's more of a dark, vigilante hero type of costume," the clerk replied. "I don't think the name 'Mr. Amazing' really invokes that kind of image."

"Fine, I'll change the name! I don't care about the name! I want that costume!" Mr. Amazing yelled.

"Okay sir, what do you want your new name to be?"

"Uh, how about 'Captain Darkness?'"

"Okay, 'Captain Darkness' it is."

"I'll be a self-styled vigilante that stalks the shadows and shows no remorse for criminals," Mr. Amazing, er, Captain Darkness proclaimed.

"Oh wait sir," the clerk interrupted. "I'm afraid that there is already a super-villain named Captain Darkness. You can't have the same name unless you are his successor."

"Fine, I'll be his successor."

"You can't sir, for two reasons. First of all, he's not dead. And second, he's a super-villain, while you are applying for the position of superhero."

"Fine, I'll stay 'Mr. Amazing,' and I'll use the costume without the mask. That should take away some of the vigilante-ness of it."

"Oh wait sir. Is that costume number 00182?"

Captain Darkness, er, Mr. Amazing looked at the string of digits next to the picture of his beloved costume. It did indeed say 00182. He nodded to the clerk.

"I thought so," she said. "I'm sorry sir, but that costume was already chosen this morning by Kid Shadow."

Mr. Amazing felt a super-rage well up from deep within him, the likes of which he had not felt since the guy right in front of him at a ticket booth got the very last ticket to the Metallica concert. That time, he had followed the guy, beat him up and stole the ticket. This time, he got really mad.

"You know what?" he yelled, loud enough for even Deaf-Man to hear him. "I don't want to be a superhero, playing by all your goddamn rules! I'm going to be a super-villain! Better than that damn Captain Darkness or the Living Plague! I'll kill both of them! And I'll kill that Kid Shadow and get my goddamn costume! But you know what my first evil act is going to be?" he asked the clerk, a crazed look in his eyes. "I'm going to destroy every branch of the Bureau of Registration of Super Powered Beings, starting with this very building, and all of you in it! HA HA HA HA HA!"

The clerk just looked at him calmly through the glass. "I'm sorry sir," she said, "but registration for a super-villain license is at the next window, and the line starts at the front door."

This is amusing as heck. A very simplistic style, but the clumsiness is pretty much perfect for Mr. Amaz-, er Captain Dark-

Whatever.

Here's hoping for more of the same.